The Golden Ticket Picture Show
by semi-sweet and nuts
Summary: I read a great story combining CatCF and tRHPS in the Rocky Horror section and was inspired to write one myself. It's silly really, but great fun to write. Willy Wonka vs Frank N Furter
1. Prologue: Horror in the Factory

Five children and five adults are lined up outside the factory gates. But wait, something's wrong with this picture. No crowd is gathered behind them, although a few people can still be seen, running for their lives from some mean-looking dogs. And the adults… They don't seem quite… right.

On the far right there's a fairly average looking boy with a fairly average psycho stare, accompanied by a hunch-backed, skinny man in dusty tails, his only overclothes being a long scarf that was once white. He seems to be one of those guys who doesn't know when it's time to let go of the once "cool" rocker mane, since half of his head is bald and the other half covered with long blond hair. Next, there's a girl in a blue track suit, ferociously chewing gum. Her companion is a young redtop who seems to be in show business since she's all dressed in sequins, including a golden sequined top hat. On top of her sequins she wears a cape which looks like the kind of cape an artist would throw off before getting on stage. The couple in the middle consists of a fat boy with a suspiciously airbrushed look on his face and an equally artificial muscle bimbo with peroxide blonde hair and contact blue eyes. The bimbo is dressed in a knitted sweater with silly reindeer and snowflake patterns and matching cap and mittens. His legs are bare down to the huge moon boots and he's trembling and rattling his teeth, but at the same time looking stupidly happy and expectant. On their left stands a boy looking like he's been time warped right out of someBritish film by a sentimental old director filming his childhood in the 40ies. A few feet off, as if the boy reeked of poverty and cabbage soup, stands a man with a dark 70ies fro and more make up than Patsy and Edina put together. He's wearing Dame Edna-style black sunglasses with fake diamonds and a full-length leopard fur. The last couple on the left consists of a brat girl in posh clothes and a woman looking like a housemaid, a housemaid who has neither slept nor brushed her huge red hair in a week. She's wearing a black woollen coat which was once elegant but is now hopelessly threadbare, the kind of old coat the lady of the house would grant her servant.

"Please enter" a voice says through the speakers, and the adults run forward, squeezing their way through the opening factory gates, pushing the children before them like human shields. They don't have to be asked twice but walk straight up to the entrance and wait for the show to begin. The door opens, the red curtains are drawn aside and the puppets begin to move, singing their boisterous yet catchy tune about the world's greatest chocolatier, ending in pyrotechnics and general fiery mayhem. The children look dumbfounded but the adults cheer and clap their hands as the puppets begin to melt. The guy with the heavy make up even exclaims "Bravo! Excellent!" as one of the puppet's eye fall out.

At this point, a pale man in a top hat, huge black glasses and a long broadtail fur has appeared out of nowhere, clapping enthusiastically and praising the show.

"Hey! You look just like Michael Jackson!" the woman in the golden top hat says in a squeaky voice.

"I do _not_!" the pale man protests, appalled.

"He's Willy Wonka, you stupid broad!" the guy in the leopard coat hisses.

"Then shouldn't you be up there?" the woman with the huge red head of hair asks in a drawling voice, "_My _Master usually _sits _on his throne."

"I couldn't very well watch they show from up there now could I… woman?" Willy Wonka replies in a strained voice, as if trying to conceal his irritation at having to point out such an obvious fact, "Now come along, far too much to see!"

He disappears into the factory, throwing his coat and sunglasses on the floor of the huge red-carpeted entrance hall, inviting his guests to do the same. The guy with the fro takes off his sunglasses too, admiring the display of flexing muscles as the blonde comes out of his sweater and kicks off his moon boots, stripping down to a mere pair of golden briefs. This little distraction makes him the last one to get his coat off. Willy turns around, wondering what's taking him so long, just in time to see him reveal a glittery corset, long glittery gloves, black briefs, garters and stockings. At this sight he draws his breath, widens his eyes and quickly turns his back, walking away. When he's allowed to do so without any Scary Little Persons attacking him he seems perplexed however and turns to his guests once more.

"You. You're the Children." he says, pleased with his accomplishment. The children look at each other like duh.

"And the rest of you guys must be their p… p… p…" he struggles.

"Do I really look that _old_?" interrupts the guy with the make up, clearly upset, "Of course we're not their parents! Their parents are bound and gagged just outside the factory gates. _I _am Frank N Furter." He offers his hand and snorts when Willy doesn't kiss it or even shake it, "The rest of them are of no importance," he continues irritably, using his humiliatingly un-touched hand to wave in the general direction of the other four, "just my servants."

"Ah well," Willy says cheerily, "I guess it doesn't matter as long as the rule about one companion per child is not broken."

At this the children make big eyes, clearly expecting their candy making hero to throw out the intruders and restore Peace and Order. One of them, the brat in the fur bolero, even protests: "I want my d - ouch!", the last word a result of the housemaid pinching her.

Willy starts to walk again, but this time he's interrupted by the girl in sequins throwing herself around his neck, squeeing: "I'm Colombia! Oh my god I can't believe I'm here! I've been admiring you for years! I even have a poster of you above my bed!"

Frank clears his throat warningly and she unwillingly lets go of the scared stiff Willy, who hasn't taken many steps before he's interrupted again, this time by the bunk of the muscle hunk standing in his way. He flinches not to bump into that huge pink _naked _body in front of him, and the body in question offers him a deranged grin and says: "I'm Rocky. I love chocolate, but Frank doesn't let me have any because I'm on a diet." At this, the disgust in Willy's eyes is momentarily replaced by something amazingly similar to heartfelt compassion, and he sneaks his hand into his pocket for a golden chocolate coin which he offers Rocky, holding it at the very edge not to touch Rocky's hand in the transaction. Rocky's grin widens and he takes a bite of it with the golden foil still on.

Next, the maid curtseys in front of Willy, holding her white apron spread and saying: "I'm Magenta."

"I, uh, I always thought magenta was a colour." Willy replies distractedly.

The guy in the tails sneaks up behind him and hisses spookily in his ear: "I'm Riff Raff. I am to Frank what this boy Mike is to you, a nail in the eye and an arch-enemy. He just doesn't know it yet…"

"And _I'm _just happy to see you!" exclaims Frank, but Willy doesn't seem to get it.

As they walk down the long hall to the tiny door the children get a little more acquaintanced with their kidnappers. Colombia and the girl in the track suit seems to be getting along quite well, chatting away. "I chew gum, mostly." the girl says and Colombia replies: "Aha. I tap dance." The chocolate coin seems to have whet Rocky's appetite, and he has stolen the fat boy's chocolate, wolfing it down, easily holding the boy off with his other arm. The brat seems perfectly comfortable with the servant's attire and sleep-deprived look of Magenta, and starts ordering her about.

"Why do you look like a freaking zombie?" the boy with the psycho stare asks Riff Raff, "You look like something that would come around the corner and crawl towards me and which I could finish off with one single shot."

Riff Raff cackles and glances slyly about to make sure the Master isn't listening. "Wait until you see me in my silver armour and laser gun," he hisses, "I could be a boss."

"Cool." Mike replies as a sign of approval, finishing the conversation.

The boy in the 40ies pullover and too short trousers seems to intimidated by Frank to speak, and if he did Frank would silence him with a look.

When the group has reached the end of the corridor they eagerly await Willy to unlock a tiny door with an even tinier key and push the entire wall open. Rocky is the first one to grab a candy vine hanging nearby and swing into the chocolate room with a joyous bawl.


	2. The Fate of Augustus Gloop

The rest of the group descents into the candy landscape in a more orderly manner, lead by Willy.

"It's beautiful!" Frank exclaims flirtatiously, but the effort is lost on Willy, who simply replies: "Oh yeah, it's very beautiful. And do you like my meadow? Please try some of my grass, please do. It's so delectable, and so darn good looking."

"You can eat the grass?" Frank asks, "Kinky!"

"Of course you can. Everything in this room is eatable. Even I'm eatable – " he stops short at the look Frank gives him.

"May I lick your candy cane?" Frank asks, demonstrating with his tongue.

"Most certainly not!" Willy answers, clutching his cane, "Go pick your own!"

Frank obediently bends down to pluck a candy cane growing nearby, careful to show off his tuch in the most flattering angle, and starts licking it slowly, moaning with pleasure. Willy curls his upper lip and doesn't seem to know whether to be repulsed or flattered.

Tired of the game, Frank speaks: "Mr Wonka, or may I call you… Willy? Don't you want to know why I tied up the poor kids' parents and took their place?"

"No, not really." answers Willy matter-of-factly and makes to walk away.

"I'll tell you anyway." says Frank and Willy shrugs and stays.

"I've always wanted to get inside this won-der-ful factory, ever since I saw it in a TV commercial." explains Frank, "And perhaps get inside the chocolatier" – here the servants gather around him and watch, eagerly awaiting the sequel – "s heart too." finishes Frank with a toothy smile supposed to be sweet. Willy grins back at him as if he has no idea what is going on and they out-smile each other for a while. Willy seems comfortable with his guest's habit of smiling as fakely as himself, so Frank loses the game as the violet stare begins to creep him out.

"Go on then. Enjoy yourselves. Shoo!" Willy dismisses the little group gathered around him, and they're all over the place. Their guide finally gets a moment's rest, until a flicker of gold catches his eye. The gold belongs to a gold-clad butt sticking up by the riverbank. There they are, Rocky and the fat kid, lapping chocolate straight out of the river like pigs.

"Hey! My chocolate must be untouched by human hands!" Willy shouts, only resulting in the startled fat boy tumbling into the river with a loud splash! Willy winces, making a mental note not to eat that batch of chocolate himself and hoping that none of his guests will tell the sanitary inspectors. That is, if any of his guests should accidentally get out alive.

At the sight of the drowning boy Rocky heroically dives into the river, leaving an oily stain behind on the surface. Sadly, Rocky has forgotten that his muscles are just for show and that he can't swim. He never even breaks the surface again before both he and the boy are sucked up by the giant pipe transporting the chocolate. The fat boy gets stuck in the pipe and the poor Rocky, trapped underneath him, must be choking now if he hasn't already.

Frank shrugs: "I was getting tired of him anyway," he winks at Willy, "and after this I won't even _need _him anymore."

Willy doesn't hear him though, he's too busy staring devastated into the contaminated chocolate.

"Look, Master, it's little persons." says Magenta and Willy raises his head to see rows and rows of Oompa-Loompas come dancing in.

"They're Oompa-Loompas!" he explains, his mind off the chocolate, "Imported direct from Loompa-land."

"Ah, yes, tell me all about it." Frank sighs, thinking of his own beloved Transsexual, Transsylvania.

Willy takes the request literally: "Very well, Loompa-land is a terrible country…" but Frank isn't listening, he's to busy dreaming of the moonlit meadows of Transsexual.

"Why, I believe they're going to treat us to a little song." Willy finishes his speech on Oompa-Loompas, "It is quite a special occasion, of course. They haven't had a fresh audience in many a moon."

The Oompa-Loompas start dancing and singing about turning someone named Augustus Gloop into fudge. All of the Transsylvanians clap and cheer and laugh, especially at the gory finale.

"Quite spectacular!" Frank says when the show is over, "They even did synchronised swimming like in an old Esther Williams film, how ambitious!"

"They didn't sing about poor Rocky." Colombia points out.

"How could I possibly know –" Willy bites his lip.

"You mean you _did _know about that boy Augustus? How devious! How ingenious! How cunning!" Frank stares at his superior villain in admiration.

Willy clears his throat and the faintest trace of pink appears on his high cheekbones.

"Aw, you're cute when you blush." Frank says, patting his cheek, but at this Willy flinches so badly Frank decides to move _very _slowly. Or catch him by surprise. The latter should be more fun.

"Where does that pipe go to?" Colombia asks.

Willy beams: "That pipe just so happens to lead to the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry flavoured chocolate coated fudge!"

"Then Rocky will be made into strawberry flavoured chocolate coated fudge…" Frank moans dreamily.

"Rocky Flavoured Chocolate Coated Horror? Ew. That might sell for Halloween but Halloween is just over." Willy protests, "I wouldn't allow it." And he orders an Oompa-Loompa to poke around in the chocolate with a stick, fishing out the two bodies.

The sound of a drum is heard, and the Transsylvanians eye the Oompa-Loompas suspiciously, expecting another song. But the drumming comes from a huge, hot pink, seahorse-shaped boat, rowed by a myriad of Oompa-Loompas.

"How camp!" Frank exclaims.

As the boat comes to a halt by the shore, all of the Oompa-Loompas giggle maliciously.

"What's so funny?" Colombia asks nervously.

"Ah, I think it has something to do with all those gosh darned cocoa beans. Hey, by the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property which triggers the release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love." Willy lectures.

At this, Colombia tries to take over Mrs Beauregarde's line, having taken her place, but Frank slaps a hand over her mouth and steals it: "You don't say…" he purrs, winking his eye and licking his lips to make sure Willy gets it, the guy seeming a bit… slow when it comes to certain highly important topics. Willy stares at him and smiles nervously.

They step aboard and after some shuffling and pushing Frank has made sure he'll sit next to Willy. In fact, he sits so close Willy leans out for a ladle of chocolate from the river just to put some distance between them.

"Here, have some of this…" he says, handing the hot pink ladle to Frank, in a desperate attempt to divert Frank's attention from his own person.

Frank sticks his index finger in the chocolate, at which Willy cringes, licks it and goes "mmmmmm". Then he loses interest in the chocolate and hands it over to the truly starving-looking boy next to him.

"We're headed for a tunnel, Master." Riff Raff points out, leering dirtily.

"Full speed ahead!" Willy orders and the boat is engulfed by the dark tunnel. The very dark tunnel indeed.

"How can they see where they're going?" asks the whiny voice of Colombia.

"They can't. There's no knowing where they're going." answers Willy with no apparent intention of changing this fact. Moments later, however, he screeches "Switch on the lights!" in panic. As the light goes on he's practically climbing the wall of the boat and Frank has an excessively innocent look upon his face.


	3. The Fate of Violet Beauregarde

"Stop the boat!" Willy screams when he can't take another second of Frank's glances and advances. He looks around to notice the boat has come to a halt right outside the inventing room. Relieved that his choice of stop will be easy to motivate he goes on: "I want to show you guys something!" and de-boards the boat faster than you would think possible for a man in high heels carrying a cane.

"This is the most important room in the entire factory. Now everyone enjoy yourselves but just don't touch anything, kay?" he announces hopefully. Of course, everyone runs around touching everything they can get their hands on. Desperate for a way of making them stop Willy grabs the nearest thing, which happens to be a piece of hair toffee, and calls out: "Hey everybody…! People…! Aren't you curious to know what this is?"

The people in question look moderately curious but at least they stop touching things and gather round politely.

"These are hair toffees." Willy explains, "You suck down one of these little boogers, and a brand new crop of hair will start growing out of the top of your lil' noggin!" At this, a glimpse of hope is lit in Riff Raff's eyes, "And a moustache. And a beard!" Willy goes on.

"Who wants a beard?" Riff Raff drawls in disapproval.

"Well...beatniks for one. Folk singers and motorbike riders. Oh, and drag kings, definitely drag kings! I say there's a great market out there for beard." Willy goes on, "Unfortunately the mixture isn't quite right, cause an Oompa-Loompa tried some yesterday, and well, he –" He points to the mop-like thing shuffling towards them and Riff Raff lets out a disappointed sigh.

Pleased with having everybody's attention Willy goes on with the inventing room tour, pressing the starting button of the room's largest and smartest machine, telling everybody to watch carefully.After a great show of blinking and booming and unfolding devices the machine produces a strip of gum which the gum-chewing girl obsessively snatches and puts in her mouth.

"It's a stick of the most amazing and sensational gum in the whole universe. Know why? Know why?" Willy demands. Everybody, including the gum-chewing girl, stare blankly at him. "Cause this gum happens to be a full, three-course dinner all by itself!" Willy goes on, awaiting the sensational effect of his words. Nobody says anything, there's not even oooh:ing and aaah:ing.

"Why would anyone want that?" Frank asks at last.

Willy seems perplexed and pulls out a bunch of cue cards from his coat pocket. Finding the right one, he reads: "It will be the end of all kitchens and all cooking! Just a little strip of Wonka's magic chewing gum and it's all you will ever need at breakfast, lunch, and dinner! This piece happens to be tomato soup, roast beef, and blueberry pie!"

Now it's Magenta's turn to look hopeful. Her hope soon drops however as she sees the gum-chewing girl turn blue and swell to an enormous size.

When all of the blueing and swelling is done without any explosive mishaps Willy comes out from his hiding place and says cheerfully: "I've tried it on like twenty Oompa-Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!"

"Oh but you _are _wicked!" says Frank, looking randy.

At this point, a funky 70ies disco beat starts to play and the Oompa-Loompas get on with the dancing and singing again, this time a tune about some Violet Beauregarde,including the word "chewing" more than several times. With a delighted squee Colombia climbs the nearest machine, jumps for the bouncy blueberry and starts to tap dance on it, accompanied by the Oompa-Loompas.

"What a great act!" she cries, "Please Frank can I keep her?"

"Whatever" Frank says, waving his hand dismissively.

"I'm afraid you can't." Willy interrupts in a creepily cute voice, "She will explode unless all that juice is squeezed out of her really quickly."

"Oh crap!" Colombia complains, stamping her foot, at which Willy ducks for cover as if he was afraid the blueberry girl would be punctured. Which he actually is. Blueberry intestines all over the attire, not a fancy sight, happened with an Oompa-Loompa last week.

"I want you to roll Miss Beauregarde onto the boat and take her along to the juicing room at once, please." he hurriedly orders the Oompa-Loompas.

Colombia jumps off the giant blueberry, but Frank eyes her and nods for her to follow into the boat.

"Do I _have _to?" she asks, "I don't want her anymore if she's not going to be usable as a stage prop!"

But Frank is adamant and Willy adds reassuringly: "She'll be very… flexible!"


	4. The Fate of Veruca Salt

The next stop is the nut sorting room.

"My daddy is in the nut business." the brat pipes up when she sees the sign above the door.

"Go figure…" Willy says and enters the room.

"Squirrels!" the girl exclaims as she sees the little creatures sitting on stools all around the room, shelling walnuts, "My daddy doesn't use squirrels in his factory, he uses stupid boring underpaid women workers. I'll tell him to switch to squirrels immediately!"

"Well, that might be an itsy bit tricky." Willy answers, "You see, little girl, _my _squirrels are the only squirrels specially trained to get the nuts out of shells."

"I. Want. A. Trained. Squirrel." the brat demands to no one in particular since her daddy isn't there.

"Why not a beaver, dear?" Magenta suggests in her husky voice, throws her head back and laughs.

"Huh?" the girl says, "Oh yes. I want a beaver too. Come to think of it, I want two beavers and a beaver dam, but right now I want a squirrel. Don't try to distract me."

"Well why don't you go get one?" Magenta dares her. The brat looks at her, clenches her jaw determinedly and slips between the bars of the gate to the squirrels. Willy looks in awe from Magenta to the girl and back again. The girl seems to have picked out a particularly desirable squirrel and approaches it with her arms outstretched.

"Don't touch that squirrel's nuts!" Willy shouts warningly, "It will make him crazy!"

This is too much for the Transsylvanians, who fall in a heap on the floor laughing so hard they can't breathe. Willy observes them at loss as to what's so funny.

"Hey! You're missing the show here!" he says and the Transsylvanians collect themselves enough to see the brat being attacked by the squirrels, overturned and held down to the floor. The squirrel she was trying to catch taps her head and listens.

"What are they doing?" Magenta asks, still panting from the bout of laughter.

"Testing to see if she's a bad nut." Willy explains casually, and when the squirrels begin to push the kicking and screaming girl towards the garbage chute in the centre of the room he adds: "Oh my goodness. She is a bad nut after all."

They all watch as the girl is sliding down the chute with a fading call for help.

"Say, what would they do if she turned out to be a _good _nut?" Frank asks.

"Why, crack her skull open of course!" Willy answers cheerily. Frank watches him, his face twitching and paling. He seems to have second thoughts about a tête à tête with this man.

"And where does the chute go?" Magenta asks.

"To the incinerator." Willy replies.

"Ah." says Riff Raff.

"But look," Willy says, "I think we'll be treated to another song."

"Who would have guessed…" Frank mutters sarcastically and yawns as he watches Oompa-Loompas in yellow overalls perform a dull flower power pop tune about some spoiled brat named Veruca Salt getting whatshe deserves. Willy seems to be digging it though, bobbing his head with shiny eyes.

When the song is over, an Oompa-Loompa comes up to Willy, who bends down to let him whisper in his ear.

"I've just been informed that the incinerator is broken, so there should be about three weeks of rotten garbage to break her fall." he announces a little sourly.

This seems to be good news for Magenta.

"You and me on a heap of garbage, you little dominatrix, hell yeah!" she screams, and before anyone has the chance to react she has jumped the gate, run down and thrown herself in the garbage chute with a gleeful cackle. Frank and Riff Raff exchange glances and shrug.

"Well then, let's keep on trucking!" Willy says and rattles his keys.


	5. The Fate of Mike Teavee

"I don't know why I didn't think of this before! The elevator is by far the most efficient way to get around the factory." Willy says as he bides his guests to enter a transparent glass elevator.

"This isn't just an ordinary up and down elevator by the way." he says as the door is sliding shut, "This elevator can go sideways, longways, slantways, and any other ways you can think of. Just press any button, and _whooosh_, you're off." He snickers and presses a button to demonstrate.

Frank and Riff Raff, used to an ordinary up and down elevator, and a slow one at that, find it difficult to keep their balance as the elevator is whooshing off. Frank seems to have forgotten all about his second thoughts and uses every turn, acceleration and halt to tumble into Willy, going "whoops!" and making big excusing eyes. He has Willy cornered like a frightened animal.

The elevator passes a mountain of fudge and slows down in a room full of pink fluffy sheep getting their wool shaved off by Oompa-Loompas.

"I'd rather not talk about this room." Willy says nervously, and Frank comforts him: "That's alright luv, I have rooms like that too."

"Do you?" Willy asks, wide-eyed.

"Well, not _exactly _like this, but you know, secret rooms…" Frank says

"Hey! How did you know this is the secret room?" Willy demands, sounding upset, "Are you one of those despicable spies who tries to steal my secret recipes and put me out of business?"

Frank rolls his eyes and the elevator passes a room which seems to have nothing to do with candy at all. In fact, it looks like a hospital.

"This is the puppet hospital and burn centre," Willy explains, "it's rather… new."

"Oh." Frank says.

Next stop is the administration offices. Willy waves to an Oompa-Loompa dressed up as a secretary and calls out: "Hello Doris!" Frank stares jealously at the rival, a rival who might be exceptionally short but who gets to live in the factory with Willy Wonka and god knows what else…

"You're a much sweeter transvestite than that secretary, Master, much sweeter." Riff Raff drawls reassuringly.

"Thank you." Frank says, wiping an non-existent tear of movement from his eye, "You have always been a loyal servant, Riff Raff, and I will reward you."

As the elevator passes a huge room full of Oompa-Loompas firing canons with exploding candy the psycho boy seems to snap out of some kind of boredom coma and suddenly demands: "I wanna pick a room!"

"Go ahead!" Willy says with an uncanny smile, and the kid presses a button labelled TV room.

The radically diminished group steps out of the glass elevator and into a completely white room.

Willy distributes some huge round white sunglasses: "Here, put these on quick and don't take them off whatever you do. This light could burn your eyeballs right out of your skulls. And we certainly don't want that."

"Looking good!" says Frank, apparently comfortable with the 70ies design of the dark shades.

Willy begins to ramble about his latest invention, television chocolate. The rambling ends in four Oompa-Loompas carrying in a gigantic chocolate bar and placing it on a slab in the centre of the room.

"It has got to be real big, cause you know how on TV you can film a regular sized man and he comes out looking this tall?" Willy explains, measuring the air between his thumb and index finger with his purple-gloved hand, "Same basic principle."

He presses a large red button and the chocolate bar is hovering in the air until it suddenly disappears in a blast of white light. He gestures for his guests to follow him to a TV in the corner of the room, and there it is on the screen, the bar of chocolate, only much smaller, just like he said.

"Take it!" he offers Frank. Frank pushes Riff Raff forward, and Riff Raff hesitantly reaches out his hand. The hand goes right through the screen and comes back with the chocolate.

"Eat it!" Frank tells Riff Raff, "Go on, it'll be delicious, it has just gotten a little smaller on the journey, that's all." He claps his teeth repeatedly at Riff Raff as if he was going to bite him, and even the usually indifferent Riff Raff looks a little freaked out, deciding that Willy is scarier than the chocolate and taking a small bite out of the latter.

"Not intending to be rude here, but why not just time warp the chocolate instead?" Frank asks, "That way you don't have to compensate for the shrinking, it's so wasteful."

"Time warp?" Willy asks.

"Never mind." Frank says.

The psycho kid asks Willy if it would be possible to teleport people and not just chocolate.

"Well, why would I want to send a person through? They don't taste very good at all." Willy replies.

His answer seems to be good enough for the kid, who runs towards the teleporter, pushing Oompa-Loompas out of the way.

"Don't push my button!" Willy shouts, but it's too late, the kid has already stepped on the red button and thrown himself onto the slab. He does silly dance moves which makes Frank giggle as he's beamed into the air. Then zap! he's gone.

The rest of the group watches the TV intently while the Oompa-Loompa holding the remote is flicking through the channels. Finally, a diminished version of the boy appears on screen as a bombastic metal tune about the perils of watching TV, especially if you're a boy called Mike Teavee,begins to play.

"So he gets a music video!" Frank exclaims, "This _has _to be a set up."

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Willy states stubbornly. Frank gives up on him and starts to do the time warp in hyper-speed and head bang with Riff Raff and the Oompa-Loompas instead. The music ends with a news reporter slamming his script on top of the tiny boy.

"Ew. Somebody grab him." Willy says.

Riff Raff reaches into the screen again and pick the boy up by the collar, holding him at arm's length.

"Young men are extremely springy, they stretch like mad. Let's go put him in the taffy puller!" Willy suggests.

"He he… taffy puller…" Riff Raff repeats absentmindedly with a grim grin.

"Hey! That was my idea!" Willy protests, "But boy is he gonna be skinny!"

"You'll be skinnier than me…" Riff Raff chuckles at the miniature boy and shuffles off with him dangling from his outstretched hand.


	6. The Fate of Charlie Bucket

"On with the tour then!" Willy says, "Let's see, how many children are there left?"

"It's just me," the last boy says, "I'm the only one left." Frank jumps, surprised that it actually speaks.

"But that's fantastic my dear boy! That means you've won! Congratulations!" Willy raves, shaking the boy's hand furiously.

"Oh but he won't do it." Frank says coyly.

"What do you mean?" Willy demands and abruptly stops shaking the boy's hand, "And how do you know?"

"He won't do it because he won't leave his _family_." Frank teases, deliberately putting so much stress on the hateful word "family" Willy blinks, "_I _have no family though…"

And with a seductive look he removes the child from Willy's grip, pushes him into the elevator and presses the "up and out" button before retracting his hand and letting the door slide shut and the elevator zoom off with the terror-struck boy trapped within.

"Hey! _I _wanted to try that button first!" Willy complains sulkily.

"No need for going _anywhere_,my dear, no need for going anywhere…" Frank soothes him and before Willy could say wicked wicked whangdoodle he's up against the wall with Frank's tongue down his throat and Frank's hands fingering his fly.

It is then that Willy feels his sexual awakening has finally come. He would burst out in "Touch-a touch-a touch me" in a perfect soprano, had that not been rather difficult with an extra tongue in his mouth.

Later, when Frank goes down on him, however, he does:

_I was feeling done in_

_Couldn't win_

_I never even kissed before_

_I was scared stiff of getting_

_Into heavy petting_

_It leads to germs and cooties_

_And seat wetting_

_Now all I want to know_

_Is how to go_

_I've tasted sweets and I want more_

_I'll put up no resistance_

_I want to stay the distance_

_I've got an itch to scratch_

_I need assistance_

_Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me_

_I wanna be dirty_

_Thrill me, chill me, fullfill me_

_Creature of the night_

Frank raises his head from what he's doing: "Hey! You've seen the picture show!"

"Of course I have. Repeatedly. Don't stop, please."


	7. Epilogue: End Credits

Willy wakes up in his luxurious double bed and discovers he's completely naked, except for his purple rubber gloves. That's really weird, because he _always _sleeps in a pyjamas. Then he notices he's not alone in the spacious bed. There's something big and warm beside him, ending in a dark fro on the pillow and moaning in its sleep.

"Frank!" Willy shouts.

"Uh, yeah, what?" Frank rolls over and smiles sleepily. His make up is all smudged and he looks like shit, honestly. Willy doesn't notice though. Last night just comes back to him and his gratefulness to Frank for doing all those… things… makes Frank look prettier than the goddess of cocoa to him.

"Good morning starshine…" he says shyly.

"…the earth says hello." Frank fills in, seemingly snickering at some secret joke. Then he vanishes under the quilt and busies himself with a certain part of Willy which is also recently awakened.

Afterwards, they have breakfast in bed.

"I wonder what became of my servants?" Frank says, "Don't you have a monitor so that you can monitor all of your little workers?"

"Of course I do!" Willy says cheerily, "In the security room. Do you want me to show you?" He beams with enthusiasm at the prospect of showing off his factory.

"Yeah, it might be… interesting." Frank says and starts to look for his stockings on the floor. Willy puts on a rich dressing gown and a pair of slippers so fancy they have monogrammed soles.

"You truly are a dandy, even now." Frank comments.

"Why thank you!" Willy replies, "I pride myself in being the world's handsomest candy dandy."

"And I pride myself in being the world's handsomest candy dandy's lover." Frank coos, making Willy blush.

They have to walk down long corridors and up and down several stairs to the security room without the glass elevator. As they finally reach it the Oompa-Loompa in the blue guard uniform with the donut and the mug of coffee pretends he never did take that little nap, no sir, but Willy just dismisses him without any punishment.

"So… what do you want to see first?" Willy asks with his widest grin, the one even Frank finds slightly unsettling.

"Let's see what happened to the kids…" Frank suggests sadistically.

"Oh, alright," Willy agrees a little sulkily, "I can't imagine it will be as fascinating as my latest candy inventions though."

"All in good time, Willy, all in good time." Frank says, "After all, we have a lifetime, _don't we_?"

"I guess we do!" Willy says cheered up again, pushing a few buttons until a view of the double fudge room appears.

"Did you succeed in fishing them out?" he asks into a microphone and an Oompa-Loompa appears on screen, nodding.

"Both… dead of course?" Willy asks.

"Of course." the Oompa-Loompa confirms.

"And the problem is… taken care of?" Willy goes on.

"Don't worry boss." The Oompa-Loompa makes two thumbs up.

"Oh good!" Willy says, relieved, and switches channels to the juicing room, named beetle juicing room for kicks. The room is empty apart from an Oompa-Loompa reading a newspaper, supervising the juicing going on in large bubbling tanks of various colours.

"Was the juicing successful?" Willy asks.

The Oompa-Loompa jumps: "Yes Mr Wonka. No problems at all Mr Wonka. Best squeezing job as of yet."

"Great! So where is she?" Willy demands.

Afraid that he might have done something wrong in letting the girl go, the Oompa-Loompa hesitantly says: "Her… companion asked for a room to practice dancing in so we showed them the way to the tap along lessons room. We figured it couldn't hurt, sir, no secret recipes in there that I know of. We, um, we do have guards posted to make sure they don't run around in any of the important rooms."

"_All _of my rooms are important!" Willy snaps, but being in a good mood he doesn't scold the disobedient Oompa-Loompa further, but gets the tap along lessons room on screen instead. He and Frank watches Colombia teaching Violet how to tap dance. Violet looks pretty normal apart from being blue and so flexible she can fold in the middle and tap dance on all four, still bending her neck enough to see where she's going.

"Um, kay, I guess they can stay." Willy says to Frank, "The Oompa-Loompas were getting a bit dull anyway after ten years in show business."

Next, Willy switches to the incinerator. Yes, it does have a camera inside, and it shows Magenta on her hands and knees, her face smeared with unspeakable substances from the garbage heap. Veruca is straddling her backwards, spanking her butt with a giant fishbone, as Magenta cries ecstatically: "Harder! Harder!" They both seem equally happy about the arrangement.

Willy gasps, whether it's from the sight of so much garbage or from the sight of so much perversion. Frank thinks it wisest to take over the microphone.

"_Do _remember the incinerator won't be broken forever." he says in a sing-song voice before flicking through the channels. He sees many an interesting sight before finding the right one, the taffy pulling room.

"Riff Raff?" he calls, "Are you there?"

"Yes, Master." Riff Raff shuffles into sight.

"Where's the… little boy?" asks Willy, who has recovered from the incinerator shock.

"I am afraid he snapped like an old dried-up rubber band, Master Wonka. Turns out he wasn't so stretchy after all. I am terribly sorry, Master Wonka." Riff Raff drawls and bows his head in mock sorrow.

"I suspected that might happen…" Willy mutters to himself, "Gosh darn irritating little mumbler…"

On the way back to Willy's suite Frank and Willy meets an Oompa-Loompa reporting of the glass elevator's destiny: "We found the glass elevator just inside the factory gates, Mr Wonka." he says, "There were some… human remains among the shattered glass."

"Well, get them out of here, nasty things like that attract germs." Willy orders, wrinkling his nose, "Oh and build a new glass elevator immediately. I'm tired of walking already."

Willy takes Franks hand and asks him shyly: "Now could you teach me some new… tricks? I have yet so much to learn."

"With _pleasure_!"

"Oh goodie! This time I might even take off my gloves."

"Nononono." Frank protests, "You mustn't do that, they're so _wonderfully_ kinky!" He takes Willy's right index finger and licks it, sticking the rubber gloved finger in his mouth, and Willy closes his eyes, absorbed by the strange new sensation.


End file.
